Well hello out there! Welcome back, should I say welcome back to me? I know I have taken quite a sabbatical since my last post, but alas, I had a pretty good reason. My new darling little boy came popping into the world three weeks early, with a mighty roar. No, I'm serious, he came into the world with a loud "roar!", with his fists in the air, as if to say "I have arrived and so shall I be in charge!" and thus is has been for the last three and a half months. During this time I have recovered from a v-bac instead of my planned/scheduled C-Section, gotten through waves of post-partum and learned how to juggle three kids. OK, not juggle, more like just survive. But hey, small victories.
The newest challenge that I am learning to cope with is returning to work. I have just successfully completed my second week back and am seriously wondering if I have the mental fortitude for it! I my life I have been a full-time working, a full-time stay at home mom (at least during maternity leave), now I am experiencing what it is like to work at home with the kiddos. I had mistakenly thought that this would be sooooo easy! I would roll out of bed, work in my jammies and snack whenever I wanted to the whole day. That's a negative Ghost rider, sorry Mav, that is a no go (don't miss the Top Gun reference there hee, hee). I wake up each morning having only had a partial nights sleep since my newest one still is not sleeping through the night. I then make breakfast for my daughter (who has recently become the worlds pickiest eater), and my older son who is a bottomless pit and nothing I make is ever enough for that growing boy. Around this time the baby has decided he hasn't had enough attention and will scream until he is picked up. At this point I'm already tired/frustrated and it's not even 8:00 A.M.
My day then rolls into work time. I have finally gotten the baby to chill out on his play mat, my other son and daughter happily watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I get through my shift with no small amount of tears (mostly mine). Every ten minute break and every lunch break, I'm taking care of the kids. No actual break. But the hardest thing? It's the guilt! I thought the guilt of being a working mom would go away if I was home more, but instead I have the harsh reality of my daughters sadness when I have to explain to her mommy can't play with her even though I'm home. I'm grateful for this opportunity my job gives me, I know not many moms get this chance and still must go to work every day and leave the kids behind. Only, did you see the key word I used before? GUILT. Let's explore that.
Moms who work outside the home feel guilt. Moms who stay at home with their kids feel guilt. And now, I feel guilt because I'm working AND staying home??? Excuse me for saying this, but that's just some bull crap right there. I feel guilty for letting the kids watch too much TV while I'm working, I feel guilty for having to turn my kids away when they want to play because I'm working. Yet, I also feel guilty because now I'm working part time and not bringing home a full time paycheck. Society has this odd dictation of what motherhood is "supposed" to be like, and never mentions the guilt. I have always felt guilt as a mother, no matter what my working situation has been like. Where does this guilt even come from???
Moms guilt each other, non mothers guilt moms, and where does this get us? Feeling depressed, negative, unmotivated and like a failure. STOP LISTENING. You know who those people are in your life. The ones who you innocently vent to because you are desperately trying to get something off your chest to someone who understands, then they make a comment. It might be innocuous, something that is just a question or comment to them. Maybe they have the misguided idea that they'll do things differently when they have kids, or when they have as many kids as you. While you roll your eyes in you head, that small insecure part of yourself leaves the door cracked for the guilt. It's time to start making steps towards eliminating the guilt, with yourself and with each other. You need your own time, you need to be able to vent without guilt and you especially need to surround yourself with those who bolster your spirit, not tear it down. The only way I've been getting through this is with a support system of those whose positive attitudes and outwards behavior makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.
I used to think that it was vain to feel proud of the hard work I put in as a mother, but dammit, it's not! I want to show all of my kids that moms can be confident, happy and positive. I also want to show them that mom guilt cannot defeat me, and I will continue to do what I have to do to contribute towards the household income AND be there for them when they need me. Moms don't need this negativity, we have enough of our own between lack of sleep and a range of hormones. All you moms out there are kicking ass! And when you are loud and proud of it, that's when your mindset starts to change. You see the negative people in your life and you start to distance yourself. You see who your biggest supporters are and you will cheer each other on. Guilt will always be there. Bottom line. It's just how we are built as we care for our families so deeply. But I want to give a shout out to all the beautiful, amazing and hard working moms out there, we need to be the positive. Next time you see a mom out there having a hard time, speak up. Give her a motivational comment, let her know someone sees her struggle and gets it. Let he know that you've been there and she is doing great. Let her know it will all be worth. We can change the tides of the mom guilt if we just realize the positive, and pass it on to the next person.
So long story short (not really that short), it's been quite the adventure the last few months, and while negative/guilt often threatens to pull me down, I want to hold onto the positive like a lifeline and pass it on to others who might need it. This will be my message going forward and hope you all join me on that journey. Please, leave a comment and let me know what you have felt guilt about as a mom, and how you have dealt with it. As always, if you want even more positivist thrown at you during the week, follow my Instagram page a_happy_place_for_moms
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